My bed is a pretty awesome place. A lot of good things have happened there (not sexual, get your magenta-minds out of the gutter) and I plan to continue having good things happening there for a while yet to come. However, of late, I’ve gotten bored of my bed. Sure I could move the bed into a different position but I’m certain there are monsters living under there who wouldn’t be too happy with me that I’m disrupting their natural environment and the last time I ventured under my bed, a nasty piece of broken mirror bit my toe and almost sliced it in half. Also, I am superstitious and my bed just feels wrong when it’s facing in a different direction.
So I’ve devised a new sport. Extreme Sleeping. It’s really fun and super exciting! The first part of the sport (for those of a beginner level) is to not assemble your bed properly because the Swedish schematic diagrams didn’t make sense and your arm-muscles aren’t powerful enough to properly use an alan key. By doing this, you’re setting yourself up for your bed to collapse at any moment. You’re just easing into bed after a really long day of wandering the streets aimlessely looking for greenhaired people to talk to, and crash, the slats of your bed half fall through the bed frame and hey presto, you’re at a 45 degree angle to the world! This is even more fun if you have someone in bed with you and they don’t know that you’re an Extreme Sleep junkie. They get into bed with you and when the bed collapses, look at you as if you’re mad that you’ve thrown both arms in the air, screamed ‘Woo Hoo!’ and start going on about the adrenaline rush.
The second level of the sport is more advanced and should only be undertaken by those with no significant back or infestation problems. You make the rule that for the next few nights, you can’t sleep in your bedroom. Anywhere else in you home is fair game. You can try the obvious ones like the couch or a paticularly comfy chair, but if you’re really hard core, try the bath or, my stalwart favourite, the floor. But play it safe. Always use a blanket, always use a pillow and don’t do this if you have someone staying over, because, from experience, they get slightly put out that they’re hopping into bed and you’re bedding down on the floor of the living room.
In all honesty, if you don’t regularly spend your nights sleeping next to an axe-wielding serial killer who smells faintly of donkeys, and are as such, getting a little bored with your usual sleeping routine, I encourage you to partake in Extreme Sleeping. But, please, play it safe. Don’t try these activities naked or near open flame as you may get singed or badly bruised.
No Comments Yet
No comments yet.
Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI
Leave a comment
